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Synopsis

Gerald, a mid-level employee of a New York--based public relations firm has been uploaded into the company's internal Slack channels--at least his consciousness has. His colleagues assume it's an elaborate gag to exploit the new work-from home policy, but now that Gerald's productivity is through the roof, his bosses are only too happy to let him work from... wherever he says he is.

Faced with the looming abyss of a disembodied life online, Gerald enlists his co-worker Pradeep to help him escape, and to find out what happened to his body. But the longer Gerald stays in the void, the more alluring and absurd his reality becomes.

Meanwhile, Gerald's colleagues have PR catastrophes of their own to handle in the real world. Their biggest client, a high-end dog food company, is in the midst of recalling a bad batch of food that's allegedly poisoning Pomeranians nationwide. And their CEO suspects someone is sabotaging his office furniture. And if Gerald gets to work from home all the time, why can't everyone? Is true love possible between two people, when one is just a line of text in an app? And what in the hell does the :dusty-stick: emoji mean?

In a time when office paranoia and politics have followed us home, Calvin Kasulke is here to capture the surprising, absurd, and fully-relatable factors attacking our collective sanity... and give us hope that we can still find a human connection.

Excerpt

gerald, slackbot

gerald

help

slackbot

I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I'm just a bot, though! If you need more help, try our Help Center for loads of useful information about Slack.

gerald

uninstall

slackbot

I searched for that on our Help Center. Perhaps these articles will help:

Change your time zone

Manage your password

gerald

please help me

slackbot

I can help by answering simple questions about how Slack works. I'm just a bot, though!

gerald

uninstall self

slackbot

I'm sorry, I don't understand! Sometimes I have an easier time with a few simple keywords. Or you can head to our wonderful Help Center for more assistance!

#nyc-office

kerolyn

so this spreadsheet

gerald

yes?

kerolyn

was it like, special?

gerald

not particularly

tripp

what were the contents of the spreadsheet

gerald

does that really matter

kerolyn

it must

clearly

Nikki

Clearly it must, for all this to have happened.

gerald

coats

tripp

no comprende

Nikki

https://protect-us.mimecast.com/s/d2I8CYEMxVhL6ZplMC0Ji8o?domain=en.wikipedia.org

Coats

Coats may refer to [read more]

tripp

thank you, Nikki

unnecessary

but thank you

Nikki

You're welcome.

kerolyn

explain the coats, @gerald

gerald

it was a spreadsheet of different winter coats that I was considering purchasing

broken down by price, probable warmth, and other deciding factors

tripp

"other deciding factors"

such as

gerald

Predicted Attractiveness In Coat was a factor

tripp

lol

huge

Nikki

You built out a spreadsheet for that?

kerolyn

no, I get that

gerald

it's a big decision, financially

kerolyn

it's a big purchase

exactly

jinx

gerald

is that what you think it is, maybe? a jinx

kerolyn

that's not what I meant

gerald

maybe you're right though

Nikki, pradeep, Louis C

Nikki

Why do we have these calls?

What is he even saying?

pradeep

I have no idea

I tune out whenever this dude talks

what's his role over there again?

Louis C

He's their comms director.

pradeep

if they have a comms director then why did they hire us?

Louis C

Because he isn't a very good comms director.

Nikki

You're both missing my point.

I mean, *what is he actually saying*?

It sounds like he's taking this call from the bottom of a well.

pradeep

if he's been stuck in a well for a while, that might explain his grasp of like

the entire internet

Louis C

I believe their offices are located in the greater Tampa area.

Nikki

Is this what Tampa sounds like?

pradeep

please tell me this dude didn't just say "myspace"

please tell me I did not just hear him say that

Louis C

Yes. This is what Tampa sounds like.

#nyc-office

kerolyn

which channel were you going to upload a spreadsheet about coats into?

gerald

#gents-only

Nikki

You're joking.

gerald

you guys made a women-only one!!

kerolyn

not the same

Nikki

Not the same.

tripp

why was I not invited??

gerald

we're getting off-topic

point is that's the spreadsheet I was trying to upload when I got stuck

and now I'm just kinda, in here

tripp

@gerald invite me to #gents-only

gerald

I'm trying to explain why I'm not in the office rn

tripp

@gerald invite me to #gents-only, you coward

doug smorin

done

tripp

bless u

doug smorin

missed a lot of messages

someone recap for me?

kerolyn

gerald says he can't come in to work today because he uploaded a spreadsheet wrong, somehow, and now he's stuck inside slack

or smth

doug smorin

what

kerolyn

that's what we were investigating

gerald

I know it sounds like bullshit

tripp

should file a ticket with google suite maybe

would be a real significant bug

I'm checking their troubleshooting page rn and it doesn't look like there's a section dedicated to users getting Tron'd

gerald

I don't know how to get un-stuck

tripp

weird that they wouldn't include that! if it was a real thing that happened!

doug smorin

okay, Gerald, just work from home

gerald

or like, back into my body

doug smorin

but send an email next time

@here FYI please send me or kerolyn an email if you need to call out

I don't usually look at slack if I have calls

kerolyn

:thumbsup:

lydia

omg Gerald!! sry I'm so late to this!!

get well soon!!!

gerald

help

#gents-only

rob

she had too many teeth

pradeep

???

what does that mean.

rob

exactly what it sounds like?

Copyright © 2021 by Calvin Kasulke

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